What are you recovering from?

The entire paradigm of “recovery” is backwards.

The idea that well over a decade after I quit drinking that I am still “recovering” from alcohol is absurd.

I recovered from alcohol relatively quickly.

It’s hard to say, and would be arbitrary really, how long it took me to “recover” from alcohol.

Maybe the week or two it takes to physically withdraw from alcohol itself?

Maybe within the 30 days I was in rehab?

Maybe longer?

Sure it took way longer to “recover” from the drinking lifestyle.

To make new friends, hobbies, ways of being and doing life.

And it sure AF took a long time to recover from the benzos (klonopin) I was on the last couple years of my drinking. Homeostasis is legit but gosh my brain re-wired slow after benzos.

The real recovery, meaning what I’ve been actually recovering from, is chronic and almost obsessive self betrayal.

I’VE BEEN RECOVERING MY BELIEF IN MYSELF

I’ve been recovering from anxiety and imposter syndrome and guilt and shame.

I’ve been recovering from abandoning my truth.

I’ve been recovering feeling safe inside my body.

The idea that, after over a decade later, I am STILL recovering from alcohol is insane.

It’d be like…

skinning my knee in childhood, then when my wound got infected, I eventually found a bandaid to cover it. The bandaid worked great for a long time, but eventually it stopped working.

It’d be INSANE to live the rest of my life believing I was recovering from a bandaid.

Alcohol was my bandaid.

Alcohol was covering my wounds.

I’m not recovering anything.

I am, one day at a time, honoring my heart and soul.